"John cares a lot about my feelings," she would argue, "he would never cheat on me or raise his hand to hit me. He is a gentleman!"
"Oh, Jane is the woman my heart beats for. She doesn't yell back at me, for whatever reason," he would say defensively.
But little do the folks above realise that they are suffering from emotional bullying in their respective relationships.
Emotional bullying sneaks up in relationship unannounced and as such, it is the hardest form of abuse to understand. It is not quite as visible but much more insidious than other types of abuse in relationships. And come to think of it, emotional bullying in relationships is no respecter of sex! Perpetrator can be male or female but usually one with low self esteem, and who feels insecure of himself or herself.
Emotional bullying occurs when a partner in the relationship tends to use manipulative, often subtle, means with the intent to control the other partner's sense of reasoning or view of what is ideal or not ideal. This type of abuse often comes with strong emotionally disguised, but manipulative, contents and threats designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser's wishes.
You care to know if you are a victim of emotional bullying in your relationship? Answer the following questions with all sincerity:
- Does your partner refuse to communicate with you anytime you have issues to grind?
- Does your partner indulge in the use of hypercriticism just to have his/her way?
- Does he/she deliberately exhibit provocative behaviour with the opposite sex just to get you jealous in order to frighten or control you?
- Is he/she the type that makes everything that goes wrong in the relationship your fault?
- Is he/she the kind that withdraws his/her affection when you have issues?
- Isn't he or she bent on isolating you from friends and family in the name of 'needing' your attention?
- Does your partner blackmail you emotionally by threatening to leave you when he/she isn't having things his/her way?
- Does he/she give you the silence treatment to force an opinion?
- Does he/she constantly put you down/belittle you by reminding you of your shortcomings while comparing you to others?
- Does he/she always go, "I love you but..."?
- Is he/she the type that goes moody when there is something he/she needs you to do and you haven't?
- Is your partner in the habit of making excuses for his/her behaviour and has difficulty apologising?
- Does he/she accuse you of being 'too sensitive' in order to deflect his/her abusive and insulting remarks directed at you?
- Does he/she withhold sex as a way to manipulate or control you?
- Does he/she make you responsible for his/her feelings, saying stuffs like "You make me angry" instead of "I'm angry"?
If your answer to as many as three of the above questions is an emphatic 'YES', there is no denying that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. And now is the time to begin a self re-evaluation of your values in such a relationship, in order to regain control over your own life, stop the emotional abuse and begin the healing process your mind deserves. The greatest mistake you can make is to live in self-denial and pretend nothing is wrong with your relationship. Believe me, emotional bullying is not one problem in your relationship that can be wished away.
Now the question is: can an emotional abuser change? Yes, it is possible but it takes only the abuser's deep desire for change after admitting his/her abusive tendencies. But the sad truth is, only a minimal percentage of emotional bullies are able to turn things around, as studies have revealed.
You just can't be happy in that emotionally draining relationship! Emotional abuses are scars you can't see and they are the hardest to heal. The choice of what to do yet lies with you...
N.B: Meet me here tomorrow as we discuss the ills posed by emotionally draining relationships and some 'not too good' reasons some people put up with them.
But before you leave the page now, kindly share your thoughts.
