The bad news? You are now caught in the web. The good news? There is a way out of your helpless state. The truth about your partner's controlling behaviours is that they are never about you but him/her!
Your partner's bullying behaviours actually stem from the following:
- His/her own sense of helplessness and powerlessness at dealing with his/her own emotions.
- The fear he/she feels within about getting someone else (like you) to make him/her feel good.
- His/her inability to hand-off his/her own anxieties, and so pushes you the responsibility.
- Ensuring that you will never leave or reject him/her.
- Projecting his/her deepest fears of being inadequate and unlovable.
Getting over the situation you have found yourself into could pose to you a straitjacket feeling. But having realised your relationship is killing you inside, you owe it to yourself to get it a control over the situation.
Here are five steps to help you:
1. Get your power back.
The quickest way to do this is to be willing to walk away from the relationship, if need be. This enables you to move forward with the next steps from a place of power, not a place of fear.
The quickest way to do this is to be willing to walk away from the relationship, if need be. This enables you to move forward with the next steps from a place of power, not a place of fear.
2. Set limits on your partner's criticism and emotional outbursts.
Let your partner realise you are open to learning his concerns about your actions and how they affect him, but will no longer engage in conversations that attack who you are as a person.
Let your partner realise you are open to learning his concerns about your actions and how they affect him, but will no longer engage in conversations that attack who you are as a person.
3. Consider your partner's concerns.
What are you willing to do for him/her? What is completely off the table? Make sure you align these requests with your personal well-being and integrity. Don't agree to do things simply in order to keep the peace or save the relationship, especially if deep down you know it isn't right for you.
What are you willing to do for him/her? What is completely off the table? Make sure you align these requests with your personal well-being and integrity. Don't agree to do things simply in order to keep the peace or save the relationship, especially if deep down you know it isn't right for you.
4. Be clear and honest with yourself first, then your partner.
Consider your values, goals and needs. Make sure your decisions are in alignment with your highest self, needs and all. Let your partner know what you can and can't do for him/her. Whatever you do, do not be intimidated. Have a powerful "NO" and make it clear that he/she will need to accept the your views about what you want. If he/she can't, then make it clear it may be best for the two of you to part ways.
Consider your values, goals and needs. Make sure your decisions are in alignment with your highest self, needs and all. Let your partner know what you can and can't do for him/her. Whatever you do, do not be intimidated. Have a powerful "NO" and make it clear that he/she will need to accept the your views about what you want. If he/she can't, then make it clear it may be best for the two of you to part ways.
5. Find people and experiences that celebrate who you are.
Find ways to reconnect with the powerful person you truly are, i.e. someone that would never tolerate being treated in such a detasteful manner. Engage and connect with other people that support and love you for exactly who you are.
Find ways to reconnect with the powerful person you truly are, i.e. someone that would never tolerate being treated in such a detasteful manner. Engage and connect with other people that support and love you for exactly who you are.
Always have it at the back of your mind that your relationship should be something that supports your growth, not something that puts you down emotionally.
Love celebrates who you are; it does not put you down. You deserve to have a powerful and loving relationship. So, start with yourself. Love yourself enough to take the first step in reclaiming your life. You deserve all the smile you only you can give yourself! If making your partner happy is costing your own happiness, it is probably time to move on...
